A Crown of Snow
by Jamaica-tan
Summary: Stupid little Latvia doesn't learn from his mistakes, but lonely little Latvia just wants to hear another heartbeat.
1. I Sleep Alone

1. I Sleep Alone.

IMPORTANT WARNINGS: Chapters will contain abuse, noncon, dubcon, mpreg, explicit homoerotic content, disturbing imagery, strong negative themes of a sexual nature. If there is more they will be mentioned at the start of the chapter. I must also warn that there will be physical and sexual abuse towards pregnant Latvia. If you are: under the Rating Age, of a fragile disposition or find the following issues raised in this fic offensive it would ill-advised to continue. You have been warned. I do not endorse any violence, sexual or otherwise that goes on in this fic.

Also: This is the sequel to Little Royalty, you have to read that first or you'll be totally lost.

Disclaimer: Not mine, Axis Powers Hetalia and the characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya.

Notes: Yes, I know said I felt disgusted with myself after LR. In some ways that hasn't changed, but after re-reading it a few weeks after posting I started to think about what would happen afterwards, and to explore the barely hinted relationship between Russia and Latvia in LR.

Also, please do not think this another fic portraying Russia as a complete monster. Yes he does do horrible things in this story, but there are reasons why and so I only ask you to be patient as more is revealed through the story.

Time Frame: 1952

Switches between Nation and human names, the switches are important.

* * *

As soon as the cast on his leg was removed, Raivis could leave the hospital. Despite the severity of his injuries, he had spent less than four weeks in that place.

In a way he was still quite disorientated, it felt like he had been underneath a comforting cloud of medication for a thousand years, before Russia… before Russia ordered the sleeping tablets to be stopped. The morphine IV line remained, but whether it was because the sleeping drugs kept him still or that they contained extra painkillers, the pain had grown worse, any breath too deep or any kind of movement was agony and minutes seemed to stretch for hours in that blue room, but somehow he healed much faster than before.

Apparently Russia and his brothers had stayed in a nearby inn the entire time he was in hospital, taking turns to sit with him. He hadn't seen any other states apart from his brothers since Russia had-

In the bed-

Since that day, if it weren't for the get-well cards he would have thought he had dreamed seeing the others. Maybe he had dreamt some of it, Latvia had asked why Mr Prussia and Miss Hungary had visited him so early on that day, and received blank looks. When he insisted that he had seen them, Russia put his hand on his forehead as if checking a fever, and said that no one had seen them at all, and when he left the room, his brothers concurred that they really didn't visit. Maybe taking away the pills was a good thing after all.

Toris and Eduard had been sent home a few days before, and so on the day of his release it was just him and Mr Russia, who had fussed over him and was holding the small bag with his belongings and his medication, making sure he was wrapped up against the cold outside. Just before he left he was given a piece of paper and a pen by the doctor, "If you would, Comrade Galante."

He read the form, understanding the Cyrillic words but unsure about what the entire thing meant. He looked up to Russia who was standing behind him, and remembered to speak use his clumsy Russian in front of the humans, "What is this?"

"Hm?" Learning over him easily to read, resting his chin on Raivis's head, "It's a form to say you've officially been discharged because you are better."

"Oh…do I sign it? I don't have a-"

"Ah, no I sign it." Russia put down the bags and wrapped his arms around him to take the pen and paper, and signed it easily before handing it back to the doctor who was struggling to maintain his neutral expression at what he had just seen, "I am his guardian, so I sign for him right?"

"Indeed. Please do not overexert yourself for a few more weeks and you should feel completely better by the end of the month. Please have a safe journey home, Comrades Braginski, Galante." The middle aged man gave them a hesitant smile, and he gave a small reassuring one in return, although he was not sure if it was for the doctor or himself, before he felt Russia beam at the doctor before taking his hand and leading him away. Just before they left the ward Raivis risked a look back, and saw the doctor and several of the nurses staring after them, before quickly looking away. He knew the doctors and nurses looking after him were shocked at his quick recovery, but the quiet presence of the soldiers that had been on the hospital premises since he arrived stopped them from talking to the local paper, or even to each other, about his 'miraculous' short recovery.

.

Seeing the grand house again as the car pulled up did not fill his heart with the old dread and nausea he had felt he used to feel in the early years, nor did he feel any better. It was early spring, and as they drove through the town were the hospital was based, the long and open countryside fields and the small town where they bought their supplies from was bathed in sunlight, and balmy air blew through the open windows that was so welcoming.

But as they entered the grounds surrounding Mr Russia's house the change was immediate; the warm sunlight faded as it began to snow, and the land was now bare except for the sparse but intimidating skeletal trees that dotted the landscape. It was always the same as every day for every year that he had been living here. Nothing changed; nothing grew and nothing died except the trees, the land was almost sterile. Wild animals roamed the lands, but other than that all that changed was the level of snowfall in each day.

Russia got out of the car and spoke to the driver briefly as Latvia stepped out and walked to the front door, and before he could knock the door was opened by Lithuania, wearing his cleaning apron over his clothes.

"Raivis! We've been waiting all day!" His 'brother' gave him a hug before stepping aside to let him in, and as he stepped inside he saw Estonia approaching with a smile on his face. Eduard's hug was brief but just as sincere as Toris's, and Raivis smiled happily at them, "T-thank you, for looking after me before."

"Don't think of it, you'd do the same for us!"

"Of course he would!" Russia's sudden voice made them jump as always, "Latvia is the kindest of us all, and we all look after each other anyway, don't we?" Raivis could hear the underlying threat in his bright tone, and realised he was now shaking as always.

In the hospital he had started to shake again about two weeks ago. He knew when his ribs had healed enough, the day when Russia had walked in and called him little Latvia.

"Of course." The elder brother laughed slightly to keep the mood light, while Eduard gave a quick smile before Raivis decided to stare at his feet. Russia closed the door behind him, and when it slammed shut the noise seemed to echo around the house, mixing with the sound of the car's motor outside as it drove away making a kind of efading reverberation that Latvia felt down to his shoes.

And so it was he, the four of them, all together again in the vast space that was the great house.

"Would either of you like something to eat? Eduard can finish up for me while I make something." Toris began to untie his apron, and Raivis started again when the tall nation put his heavy hand on his shoulder. Using his other hand to turn Raivis's head towards him, forcing him to look the taller nation in the eye, Russia looked at him for a moment, before declaring, "I think he is tired," the Russian said, looking a little concerned, "But how do you feel?"

"I…I-I am a little tired." If Russia said something he had to obey, and if it got him away from him for a bit, all the better.

His brothers smiled slightly, and Eduard said he would bring him soup later when he was going up to do his paperwork, before they both hurried away to continue their chores. Raivis thanked Russia for escorting him home, and was about to walk towards the grand staircase before he was suddenly picked up bridal style. A squeaked escaped him and he looked up to see Russia's easy smile, which only made him shake with fear even more.

"Better safe than sorry, Да?"

Somehow he managed to make a sound that sounded like a yes, and he was carried up the stairs, and through several winding corridors until they reached his small room, where he was put down at the door. Russia handed him his things and kissed his forehead, his lips were cold.

"Make sure you rest," Mr Russia reminded him, and with another kiss he went. Latvia opened the door and went inside his small room, much less grand than Russia's bedroom or even his hospital room, but being so far from his land had made him value whatever small thing that was his. Even if there was no lock, because Russia felt that it meant he could not visit his family when it pleased him, it was his little space. Raivis sat on his bed, toeing off his shoes before lying carefully down, making sure to face the window so he could watch the snow fall from the pale grey skies he had seen from this window for, except his brief independence, over two hundred years.

Soon he realized how really tired he was. His eyelids felt so heavy as he curled into himself, his normal sleeping position. Raivis gently rubbed his stomach, low down where phantom pains of tenderness still ached.

He had found himself doing that a lot lately.

Maybe he would feel more like himself in the morning.

It was pretty easy to fall back into his old routine. Less than a week after his return, he had risen before dawn, cleaned out the fireplaces and lit new ones in their stead.

After breakfast Ravis started his other cleaning chores. Lithuania was the best cook so he looked after the kitchen areas, Estonia took care of Russia's paperwork and cleaned the office and surrounding rooms. So it was up to Ravis to take care of the rest of the house. The laundry was equally dealt with on the weekends, as it was simply too much during the week. It was if Latvia had never been away. Nothing had changed.

One afternoon, he was cleaning the hallway just around the corner from the office where Estonia was working. Ravis could faintly hear his brother humming a tune as he worked, and Latvia soon found himself half-humming along, trying to figure out the name of the song, when he heard footsteps coming from the opposite direction.

He peaked around the corner, the hallway was dark, but the beam of light coming from the open door showed Russia was outside the office, looking inside.

Russia looked strange, neither smiling nor angry, Estonia must not have seen him yet because he could still hear the humming. A few moments later Russia walked into the office and shut the door without a word.

.

Despite not really needing it, Russia's current boss insisted on having most of their food delivered to them by truck twice a month, which would arrive outside their kitchen. In a way it was very convenient. For canned goods, preserved foods in jars, meat and fish were really far too heavy to carry from the town market twice a week. After the war, they were also allowed order books and things for the house. Now they only had to go out to buy bread and vegetables, and other things they needed or wanted at short notice. The convenience was nice, Eduard occasionally complained that he still had a crick in his back from all the times they had to drag things home. However, although the journeys to and from had been unpleasant the village, the problem was now that they had even less of a reason for leaving the grounds.

The Baltics were waiting for the latest delivery and stood outside in the snow, just past the useless, frozen kitchen gardens, both wrapped up tight. The truck always came on the same day of the month, the only problem was they had no idea what time of day it came. So they all had to stay and wait. They would wake before dawn, dress, and go outside, sometimes for hours, and once or twice until midnight. If they were not there when it arrived there would be no more deliveries for a few months, which in itself was not bad, however Russia's boss would be offended, and they would be punished for it.

Raivis and Eduard were currently shivering in the late morning air, while Toris was coming back with a large flask of hot tea, and a few chipped mugs they saved for these occasions. Both gladly took the mugs, Eduard holding Toris's, as the eldest poured the strong hot liquid. Then, after a quick glance at the house to check Russia wasn't watching, pulled out a small bottle of vodka from underneath the layers of clothing and poured a small amount into each mug before quickly hiding it. Not as much as Raivis would have liked, but it was enough to chase away the cold. Because it was only after sunset they would be 'allowed' to drink openly in the snow.

"Um," He found himself saying, and the others looked at him expectantly, despite the cold he felt his face heat up. "I've been meaning to ask for a while…" He trailed off, licking his lips before continuing, "How did you and the doctors know I was…you know."

"We didn't," Eduard shifted slightly, looking as uncomfortable as Toris spoke, "When you fell, I stayed with you and yelled for Eduard to call the ambulance but I didn't notice anything apart from the obvious. It wasn't until we were on our way to the hospital, and the paramedic opened your shirt to check your injuries that we saw these weird bruises on your stomach."

"Bruises?"

"Below your naval, as we watched the paramedic work we saw them grow, he said something about internal bleeding. You were rushed into the operating room, and maybe an hour later the surgeon came and started asking all these weird questions. I think they thought you were some kind of hermaphrodite."

"Huh!"

"Remember, this stuff doesn't happen to human males. But anyway, they must have known something about us, because even though we answered their questions and said we were your brothers they wouldn't say anything until Mr Russia arrived. They told him."

"Was he really angry with me?"

"He was... upset at what happened." Eduard piped up, "he thought it was our fault, that we had pushed you."

"What!"

"We had no idea what he was talking about until he told us-"

"-While trying to hit us with his pipe-"

"Yeah, it was sort of funny, well," Toris scratched his head, "in a sort of 'you had to be there' way, you understand."

Ravis gave a small nod, whilst somewhere in the back of his mind commenting how slightly sick it was that after all this he too could find the humour of Russia's violent assault on his brothers.

"But didn't the doctors say anything to any of you?"

"Raivis, you saw the soldiers, and Russia is worse than most of the army," Eduard said,

"The whole time we were there they could barely look any of us, in fact I'm sure they'll disappear soon if they haven't already."

"Think so?"

"Russia's boss has had his own supporters disappear for no reason, do you think he would spare people that treated and spoke to foreign nations?"

Another silence.

The people at the hospital may not be their people, but it was still difficult to stomach that they would suffer because of him.

"I really didn't know." Raivis muttered.

"We know that, let's just hope Russia keeps believing you."

There was a sound of a motor, and Toris looked around, "The truck!" Early but very welcome, slowing making its way up the small, freshly gritted lane.

* * *

Additional A/N: I love your reviews and feedback, every piece of constructive criticism helps me to become a better writer. If you think its good, needs some work, or so bad it needs the cleansing touch of fire, let me know!


	2. The Land of Might Have Been

2. The Land of Might Have Been.

* * *

One day, Raivis finally built up the courage to look.

He was not sure why, in fact he still did not feel able to look. There was nothing special about this day, pale grey snowy skies, with a normal day of not doing that much. Yet here he was, in the attic, standing in front of the oversized mirror, because today, something inside him decided that this was the day.

Russia was not at all vain, but the mirror had been a gift from a past ruler, so he of course kept it, albeit covered and hidden away now. He may be a staunch communist now, but even Russia kept a small part of his frozen heart for keeping gifts from his old Czars. It was the biggest mirror in the house, and he wanted to be sure that no one else would see him, so Raivis had used all his strength to drag the mirror that was twice his size over to the window to get the best light, and once he got his breath back, he pulled down the dustsheets to finally reveal his reflection.

'_God,_ (it was okay to say that in his head, Russia could not read his thoughts) _I don't look any different'_. In all honesty, he knew that he would look the same, but there was a part of him that was expecting, hoping maybe, to look terrible, like someone who has had a massive shock. But as a nation he of course healed quickly, and he looked like the same runt of the Baltics before the accident. The marks on his previously broken leg were nearly gone, a few small scars that would probably disappear before the end of the week, and from what he saw and felt, his chest was only slightly bruised. However he knew something was different, which was why he was here, shaking hands on the buttons on his shirt. Now he was here, his courage started to fail him, and he hesitated for several minutes, unable to even face his trembling reflection. Somehow, he again gathered enough courage to lift his head towards the mirror and face his reflection. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt, and held the two sides apart as he looked. As he thought, small yellowing bruises dotted his skin, marking where his ribs had been broken, and like the marks on his leg they would be gone within a few days, leaving the mostly unscarred flesh that he knew Russia liked so much. Without being really conscious of what he was doing, he saw his reflected hands undoing his belt and unbuttoning his slacks, thumbs pushing down the waistband of the trousers and his underwear a few vital inches.

His breath caught in his throat.

He was right, undeniably, there it was.

Below his bellybutton, just above his sparse pubic hair, was a horizontal scar several inches long that almost resembled an angry red line. It was healing, but clearly not as fast as the others. He had deliberately avoided looking at himself while he was undressed, but the occasional twinges of pain always let him know there was something not right.

Raivis touched the scar lightly with his fingers, he was not entirely sure why it was not healing as fast as the others, the only thing he could think was because of what had been taken from it, what he had miscarried…

How was it even possible? For nations the whole mechanics of why some nations could conceive once or a few times in their life if at all, male or female, was still pretty fuzzy, but he had never ever heard of a nation aborting or miscarrying a prospective nation or region. Maybe it had happened, but not in his lifetime? Conception and birth happened so rarely most that had given birth or witnessed it were long dead, and what knowledge there was left was hearsay passed from parents. But no one at all seemed to know why a few were born, and most like himself would just appear one day as a toddler. Even if a new place had one or two nation 'parents', it would usually simply be found and recognized as theirs. He had heard of a few places in the Americas that resulted in a few new nations or regions born because of their European conquers, but they were rumours, and because he had been far away from those nations and under Russian he had never had a chance to find out.

But what Russia had said before was true, from what he knew conceived nations followed the path of their parents, especially the one with the dominant personality and culture. Russia and his sisters had been conceived and born, so probably Russia was following the logic that since he had been born, and was such a powerful nation that he could…

Raivis was not sure how long that 'plan' had been going, could have been months or years in this place, but out of all the nations, he had been the only one to…become that way, and he lost it through a simple accident. Maybe it just was not meant to be? Maybe he was just unlucky? That would make sense, bad luck had dogged him his whole life.

This was giving him a headache, Raivis was not stupid but he really tried not to think too much about things, it was his safety net and he liked it that way. Even when Ravis was alone with Russia, there were times were the older taller nation was so cruel and thoughtless; he hated the sex that followed. Yet, there were other times when Russia was not unkind, almost sweet in his own strange way, and Raivis liked those times very much.

Ravis did not want to go into why, why he would love those times and feel sick with guilt after. But… one time with the Russian had made something, and after a fall it was gone.

In a way he was so glad he would not be replaced, he may have spent most of his life living under the control of other nations but he was still _Latvia_, not a dumb pet that had to be put down because he did not please his master. He knew he was small, weak, and a cry-baby, but he was a nation, nothing would replace him. _Nothing_.

The knowledge of this made him smile a little, but it faltered when he fully rested his hands on his flat stomach.

Nine weeks.

He had no idea at the time, but the doctor said the dizziness was probably a side effect of the pregnancy, much less common than sickness but still a symptom. If Raivis had not fallen, in just over two months from now he would have started to show, and he'd be confused about why he was getting fat when he always picked at his food, and it would be Russia or one of his brothers who would figure it out before him. But now there was nothing, just a line marking where it had been removed, and the scar would fade like the rest, most of the rest. The scar over his heart always stayed.

He had never thought about being a parent, never expecting Russia's 'plan' would really work. Like everyone else he had hoped Russia would get bored, his boss would tell him to stop or died, whichever came first.

The things Russia said he would do to him if the pregnancy had continued, they made him shake with the thought. When he heard the words slip from Ivan's mouth, he had been in so much pain and confusion that the only emotion he had left in him was pure disgust. In way he still was disgusted, but still at night he lay in bed thinking of what could have been. The thought of the knife sickened him, but thoughts of being wrapped in warmth and loved like a precious treasure, someone special, and not just one of a set pushed aside the sickness and made him feel slight butterflies in his stomach.

Estonia was missed by the Nordics, and Poland and America missed Lithuania, whereas Latvia was always the one you got as a bonus on your way to conquering or freeing other nations, no one care for him or missed him. Russia said he missed him terribly when he took him back in 1940, but even Raivis knew he was just reassembling his old empire under a new name; the Soviet 'family'. In that hospital room, with Russia looking so sad at the loss of 'their treasure' before nearly crushing his windpipe, underneath the fear he had felt the tiny spark of the warmth of being special. But after what happened afterwards, he only wanted to cry and run away. Even now he was shaking, and in his reflection he saw tears beginning to form in his eyes.

He didn't want to be special like this.

.

Russia had called him into his private living room, and now was sat on the couch, holding an opened letter in his hand. His heart began to flutter when he saw it; from where he was standing he could see the familiar loopy handwriting, bearing his name. A letter just for him!

Aside from Russia, the other occupants of the house received very infrequent mail. Due to the fact because they did not deal with their countries' at all, apart from the occasional coerced signature on a form they did not get the chance to read, and having very few people that could keep in contact after the war, they never really expected much. Before, even when part of the empire, they would get letters and small gifts around their birthdays and Christmas from friends and former occupiers. Russia would always open them first but the letters were so precious that no one minded. But now...There were those rare times when Toris would get little scribbled notes from Mr Feliks asking him to come round to the house (where the other soviet states lived), but on the whole the only mail they received on a semi-regular basis was from their regions. They were allowed because they were of the union anyway and looked after their part of the countries while the nations themselves stayed with Russia. Even so, sometimes the letters arrived months after the dates written inside, sometimes with sections blacked out or even pages missing. Eduard had not received a letter for over a year.

Thanks to Kurzeme, Raivis received the most regular letters, mostly because she wrote very nicely without really saying anything. Sadly she was also his biggest source of information about his country, since his other regions were mostly allergic to writing, doing outdoors work, or just didn't want to speak to him most of the time. Zemgale, Vidūmō, Latgale, and Sēlija would generally try to send letters around his birthday, but usually they would just talk to Kurzeme and she would add things to her letters.

The last one had been nearly three months ago, and despite himself he was nearly bouncing on the spot from anticipation, while Russia only seemed to find this amusing and continued to smile. Then again, everything Ravis did, seemed to amuse Russia. Though Toris might've been the favourite, Russia certainly seemed to like picking on him the most. When it looked like Russia was not going to give him the letter, he waited in an impatient silence until he simply could not take anymore.

"Please, I-Ivan," He remembered to use his first name this time, "M-may I…may I-"

"Please do not be impatient; I need to make sure the material in this is suitable for you, Да?" Russia cocked his head to the side with that same smile, almost daring him to point out that he had probably already read it.

"O-of course," Raivis's eyes slid to the floor, and listened to the sounds of the Russian pulling the letter from the envelope and opening it slowly. Eventually he heard the paper fold, and looked up hopefully.

"Come closer," The letter was on his lap now, and Raivis swallowed before he stepped forward, picking up the letter before sitting on Russia's lap. This was a fairly normal practice and so he did not jump too badly when the Russian immediately turned him so he was sitting on his lap sideways, and raised his knees so that his feet were now resting on the edge of the couch, with one arm comfortably around Raivis's shoulder.

He kissed his forehead, and said no more as the Latvian's shaking hands opened the paper; he knew he had to read it aloud.

"_Dear Mr Latvia,_

_How are you feeling? I feel bold for writing this so early on in my letter and without even asking in a polite way, but lately we all have been very tired, perhaps because of all the changes happening in our lands, so many people have moved around and so many changes. Brother Zemgale it's like a stomach-ache, so many people moving across the country that his stomach feels like its rolling over and over. He is so silly like that; it is probably a hangover he is feeling. _

_I have found work in the grain storehouses at the old Rundāle Palace, it may not be one of the farms but I am happy here, helping making sure our people are fed equally and I can stay in the building of my old palace. I do feel sad when I see the walls of the other parts of the building starting peel and the ceilings leaking, but I know in my heart once the USSR's star has outshone the world, everything will be made beautiful again. _

_I am so sorry that this letter is short but I do not have much time to write. I shall write again the next time I hear from all my brothers and sisters so I can make the next letter longer._

_I almost forgot! Sēlija came round for dinner last night, she said hello to you, Mr Russia, Mr Lithuania and Mr Estonia. She is has been saving up to make decorative sashes for everyone and hopes she will be finished in time to send them for new year gifts, as well as one for Mr Russia's birthday of course ."_

"I like her, she has so much spirit and a refreshing attitude, although maybe it is a little worrying that she is so attached to that old building."

Russia commented softly when he finished, while Raivis allowed himself to briefly smell the paper, the familiar smell of sea air that Kurzeme's letters always brought, before quickly stuffing it back into the abused envelope. Then he realised what Russia said.

"Ah, m-maybe it is because it was her old seat for the Dukes, and anyway, um she, s-she is glad that it is now being used properly."

"Hmmm, maybe I should recommend that it should be torn down?" Russia stroked his hair, ignoring the increased trembling, "then again, like you say it is being used properly, all of the old palaces here now their proper use. If Mr. Stalin has decided the buildings will stand he knows best, how kind of him Да?"

"Y-yes, very kind."

Normally at this point Russia would either let him go or start pulling his hair, so when he did nothing he began to worry. When the taller man kissed his temple, he looked up towards him fearfully. Smiling as always, he could never tell what he was thinking, but right now he could not think that he had done anything to displease him since he had come back, so maybe he just wanted sex.

The Russian leaned forward and kissed him in a fairly chaste way, before his tongue lightly licked against Raivis's slightly parted lips.

"You have been so sad, tell me what is wrong," He whispered.

"Nothing-"

"Don't lie, liars are always punished,"

The smaller nation could not think of what to say and looked away, hoping the Russian would not grow angry at his silence.

"Since you fell you have had such a sorrowful look in your eyes. Is it because of our loss?"

A loss? Could you lose something you never knew you had?

Raivis closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I…I didn't know that I was… and now that it's gone I don't know how to feel. It's almost like being told someone related to you that you've never heard of has died, I feel terrible and weak for saying that but it's how I feel."

Instead of being shoved away, strong arms held him close, and despite himself he relaxed a little into the embrace. He should punch Russia in the face for doing this to him, but right now he needed someone who almost understood. But it none of it was real, Raivis reminded himself, Russia didn't feel any kind of sympathy for others, to him anything that made others unhappy was because they were always defective in one way or another, mainly for not being Russian.

He didn't realise he had been crying until he felt a gloved hand wipe away the tears, and startled, he looked up at Ivan's wistful face. If he did not know any better he would think he seemed sympathetic, as the Russian spoke softly;

"Please do not feel sad, that your body was strong enough to carry life at all shows how special you are. As I said before I know that the others are so envious of you."

Raivis shook his head, if anything they were glad not to be him right now.

"They do, you made something so beautiful before it was taken from us, I know because I saw it, the surgeon saved it for me. It was very tiny and only vaguely human shaped, and do you know what I did? I held it in the palm of my hand before I wrapped it in a piece of cloth and came straight home. I buried it in the garden in front of the house and marked the spot with an old sickle, so every morning when I look out my bedroom window I will remember, and so will you."

Raivis sobbed.

* * *

EDIT: I'm such an idiot, I forgot to add my notes .

For pregnancy-related stuff, I'm using my own knowledge and wikipedia. I don't have any kids but I work part-time at a Early Pregnancy and Ante-Natal clinic, so I know quite a bit.

As for the hetalia-pregnancy, there's not much given away in canon, so I'm using a mix of canon, fanon and my own theories.

The four cultural regions of Latvia are Courland (Kurzeme in Latvian), Semigallia (Zemgale), Vidzeme (Vidūmō), and Latgallia (Latgale). They officially do not exist as land boundaries anymore, but the 'cultural regions' exist because they have their own food and culture and so look after their own part of the country. Selonia (Sēlija), is considered to part of Semigallia now, but the region used to belong to Lithuania, so she's really saying hello to him, but Kurzeme reworded it to show respect to Russia and Latvia.

The '_old Rundāle Palace_' Kurzeme writes about is the old summer residence for the Dukes of Courland built in the 1730s. It fell into decline in the 20th century, and parts of it was used as a grain storehouse and a school, but now its been beautifully restored and I totally want to visit :D

Also, Latvia during Stalin's time was used to build a lot of gulags and collective farms, aka the 'Kolkoz'.

Review please!


	3. A Glimmer of Gold

3. A Glimmer of Gold

Note: Thanks go to my amazing beta Redundant Goddess. This is my very first lemon, be gentle D:

The one chore that Russia always did himself was chop the firewood, for the simple reason that he was the only one with the strength to chop enough wood to last a decent amount of time. If Russia was away long enough for the pile to run low, the three Baltics would go outside just after dawn and do it themselves. Two would use the rusty two person saw to fell one of the countless large trees on the estate, while a third (usually Raivis because he was weakest) would hold the rifle and look out for any bears or other hostile animals. It was very strange, they knew that as long as they were unprovoked bears rarely attacked, but the ones on Russia's land seemed to have a grudge against them, probably because they were foreign nations. Miss Hungary once commented they had the same problem at the other house whenever they ventured outside, but because she and Mr Prussia (when he was let out of the basement) were crack shots, most animals stayed at a hostile distance. Once the tree was down they would chop all day and load the firewood onto the large sled they brought with them, and drag it home. But when Russia was home he would occasionally wander outside in the late morning, fell several trees by himself using a large axe without breaking a sweat, and everything would be chopped up before it even got dark, and of course these would last several times longer that the meagre amount the brothers managed.

All he needed was someone to load the wood onto the sled and make round trips, stacking up the pile that was outside the kitchen and coming back to collect the newest lot, and this time he asked (told) Raivis to do it.

Right now the Russian was finishing off the last tree with his back to the Latvian, who was sat on the edge of the sled. There was already a large pile on the sled behind him, but he was waiting to pick up the last pieces so he would not have to come back by himself. The animals stayed away when Russia was here, but they would have no problem picking off the lone runt, even if the runt had a gun.

It was snowing lightly, Raivis pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped Russia's coat, that had been so generously draped around his shoulders, closer to his small body. Normally he hung it on a nearby study branch, but this time the taller nation had said it was a very cold day and that Raivis could wear it while he waited. Russia never wore it while chopping firewood; he said the exercise and his scarf kept him warm enough.

Neither of them spoke. Normally Russia would talk happily about whatever cheerfully inane or disturbing thought happened to cross his mind, while the terrified Latvian would do his best to answer, and avoid having the axe thrown at him, but this time he only stared at the strong back as the older man worked in silence, lost in his thoughts.

Raivis had not been able to sleep well the night before, trying to figure out why he had felt so odd for long, before coming to the horrifying realisation that he was lonely. Not the old kind of loneliness that tugged his heart still of being away from his land and people, but that something was gone before he knew about it. Ravis knew he could not breathe a word of this to Toris or Eduard, he remembered how they sobbed with relief, thanking God that it was gone, and Raivis knew he should thank Him too for not letting it happen. It would be too dangerous, if Russia's sick plan…

But a small, raw part of his heart wished he had not fallen. The plan was sick, Russia was sick, the things he did to them were sick, but he still could not shake the feeling of loss.

What was so much worse was that right now, was that despite raping him so soon after the event, Russia was the only one that understood how he felt. He did not have Raivis's confused feelings, but he had lost the child too. In the living room the other day, the Russian did not hit or taunt him for being sad as he normally did, but held him in a way that was comforting, and spoke so softly about their loss it made Raivis's heart ache.

God help him, he wanted to be held again.

By now Russia had finished, and had leant the axe against a nearby tree before rolling his shoulders and neck, working out the crick that always came from the work. He must be insane to want this, Raivis decided, but he could not stop himself from standing and approaching the taller man, boots crushing the snow underneath him making the only sound. Russia had looked around when he heard him, and when the Latvian was close he raised an eyebrow.

"Is something wrong?" He asked. Raivis felt his courage waver, and it took all his strength not to shake too badly, "I…that is…C-could you hold me?" he managed, before his eyes dropped to the ground and their boots.

"Hold you?"

"W-w-when you, in the living room, when you held me I-" he swallowed thickly, "It made me feel a lot better, and I thought…I thought it could, i-it could make you feel better too."

After a moment of silence, one of Russia's large hands tipped his head up gently, and he looked into eyes that were so like his own. He could almost let himself be lost in Russia's kind smiles.

"You are still as sad as I?" Russia asked, and Raivis nodded, unable to speak. Ivan's arms soon enveloped him, murmuring comforting words in Russian, their height difference meaning he was almost overwhelmed by the powerful frame that could easily crush him. His smaller arms went around the larger man, and through all the layers he imagined he could feel Russia's warmth underneath, supported by the uneven rhythm of his heartbeat.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt comforted and truly understood, so when Russia lifted his head and ducked down for a kiss, Raivis stood on his tiptoes and responded intensely. Soon he felt Ivan's tongue swipe against his lips, and he eagerly let him in, his tongue shyly touching the other, and they kissed deeply, slowly. Raivis's arms were slowly moving up to wrap around Russia's neck before Russia suddenly pulled back, and before Raivis could say anything he had been pushed into the nearby snowdrift, the coat he still wore protecting him from the snow. Ivan was immediately on him, almost crushing him into the drift as he kissed him harshly, and Raivis responded in kind. His fingers twisted in the Russian's hair in his desperation to pull him closer, to feel something other than pain, responding to the feeling of Ivan suddenly reaching under the Latvian's coat and palming his crotch.

There was a clink of metal that seemed so loud in the silent forest as his belt was unbuckled, and a rush of cold when he was briefly exposed to the air, before Ivan's mouth left his and devoured him into such incredible heat. It was so unexpected he could not hold back his cries and the sound bounced around the sterile landscape, but Ravis was too turned on to care if someone heard. He looked down and saw Ivan watching him, before he had to arch and throw his head back at the incredible feeling. Soon he was on the edge, and Ivan seemed to sense this as he drew his mouth away, replacing it with his hand, pumping him hard as he leant up to kiss him briefly before going to his neck, drawing desperate gasping cries from the Latvian as he sucked and bit the soft skin, his hand never pausing. Raivis's hands had found the Russian's hair again and he must have hurt him, pulling it so hard as he came into his hand.

He was still trying to catch his breath when he felt the hand slide further down and a gloved, slick finger rub against his entrance before sliding in, followed swiftly by a second finger before he could get used to the sensation. As the fingers worked inside of him, Raivis managed to free one of his feet from it's boot, and Ivan, who had lifted his head to watch him again, used his free hand to pull the leg free from his trousers and underwear to push his knee to the side, opening him wide. Soon Ivan found the secret spot inside of him, and he gasped and shook as every touch raced up his spine and exploded into stars. The Russian kissed him again, whispering softly;

"Raivis…my little Latvia, tell me you love me."

Raivis answered. At that moment he loved anyone that made him feel so good, but later it would worry him how sincerely he told Russia he loved him.

A few moments later, the fingers left his body to go to the other knee, and Ivan was soon leaving a bruising grip on the soft flesh underneath Raivis's knees as he pushed in.

Too big. Too big. Russia was always too big, overwhelming and suffocating him, hurting him every time, but right now he loved how he could feel every agonising inch of Ivan filling him, fucking him deep. Raivis managed to pull down the heavy scarf enough to kiss where Ivan's collarbone met his neck, too short to go any higher, his small cries of desperate pleasure lost in the feeling of Russia's wordless moaning and grunts against his cheek. The Latvian managed to wrap a leg around Ivan, the heel of his foot digging into his hip every time Ivan rubbed against that forbidden sweet spot, and Russia filled him so completely that every stroke hit heaven. It was soon too much, the ripples of euphoria clawing it's way up his spine grew more insistent, deeper, like he could touch the stars deep inside, and he loved Ivan so much in that moment that he wished they could be like this forever…he clung to the Russian, making a desperate, keening wail as he came again. The exploding stars melted into the lessening ripples, his body wracked with shudders from the comedown of his second high, elongated by Ivan's uneven heavy thrusts, and he soon felt liquid heat flood his insides, so hot it almost scalded him.

They stayed like that for a long while, as they caught their breath. Raivis managed to move one hand to wipe away falling snow out of his eyes, he could see his breath frost in the air, but he felt so warm despite it.

Ivan lifted his head, and they looked at each other for what seemed a long time. But when Raivis was lifting his head for a kiss, the taller man spoke, "We should go back inside now, Lithuania should be done with dinner soon."

His brother's name went through Raivis like a spike, guilt and no small amount of inner anger soon following.

"Yes," he managed softly, and dropped his leg as the Russian began to pull out slowly, trying to look away and focus on something else to distract himself from the raw pain that was beginning to throb inside from the rough sex.

"Ah, you're bleeding," Russia noted casually. Raivis looked down, and saw Russia had taken a handkerchief and was wiping himself clean, and from here he could see the dots of blood on the cloth. When the Russian turned the cloth to clean him he jolted slightly, definitely more sore than usual, but he would be able to walk back to the house.

They were soon fully dressed; not that many clothing had been removed in the first place. After Russia put on his coat he put the rest of the wood on the sled and pulled it along back to the house. Raivis struggled to keep up with the Russia's longer stride, carrying the large axe and trying hard to ignore the soreness.

Even harder to ignore was the cold lick of seed and blood creeping down his inner thigh.

During dinner, Russia announced he would be going away next week for two months; his boss wanted him to personally inspect some Russian gulags and kolkhoz. Raivis picked at his dinner and murmured along with his brothers that he would miss him.

Under his clothes, he could feel every mark the Russian left on his skin.

Latvia ran a lukewarm bath in the small bathroom he shared with his brothers. Underneath their sink he pulled out a large metal tin filled with salt, and he opened it, dug out the old spoon already inside, and poured a few heaped spoonfuls into the running water. Once he put the tin away, he stripped quickly, ignoring his bloodstained underwear as he kicked the clothing into the corner, and sighed with relief as he lowered himself into the bath. It was a relief from the soreness, but the guilt was starting to gnaw at him heavily now he was alone.

He still had no idea why decided to do that, to offer himself to Russia like a...

Raivis rubbed his neck where he knew there were bruises forming, he bruised easily and he knew Russia loved that.

What was worse? That he was the one that started it because he was lonely, that it was obviously just a…a fuck for Russia, or that Ivan spoke Lithuania's name while he was still inside of Raivis that bothered him so much? Or was it all of them that made him feel so cheap?

Russia had said before that he had whorish habits, and right now he believed it, he truly believed it.

Russia had raped him in his hospital bed nearly six weeks ago and now he went to him for comfort?

But there wouldn't be a repeat of what happened before, it was weird enough that he became pregnant the first time, it wouldn't happen again.

No way.

But still… he went to that man. The one that had caused Latvia so much pain for over two hundred years, the one who had taken him away from everything good and replaced it with twisted affection, but he still went to him.

'_I'm so stupid.'_

About seven weeks after Russia had left, they received a letter from him. It was addressed to them and had the special mark that meant they could open it, so Toris did and read the brief note.

"It says that he's also been asked to look at a few more places, and then go to Moscow to present his report in person, so he'll be away for two more weeks," Toris said with a smile.

Eduard sighed with relief, "A few more weeks of peace," he said, and Raivis felt pretty much the same. Toris nodded, "It's a shame we don't have enough money spare to go the cinema, so how about I just make our favourite foods to celebrate?"

Raivis smiled brightly, "Oh yes! I want Putra!"

"I didn't know that was your favourite, I thought it was Sklandrausis?"

Raivis nodded, "It is but lately I keep thinking of Putra, it's all I want to eat."

"Ah I know the feeling, Putra it is."

"Let me know when you're going to prepare dinner," Eduard said, "I don't have much to do today except filing so I can help you out."

"Sure."

Raivis said he would also help, and that he would be in the library when they needed him.

A little while later, he was curled up in one of the overstuffed armchairs with an old book. He had read it several times before, but it was one of his favourites, about a princess that falls in love with a soldier. After seven weeks he was only now starting to feel more like himself, choosing to do what he always did; not to think about it too much. With Russia he just put it away as a secret rare guilty experience, as for the other thing…well he was just going to try to forget it, if he thought about every bad thing that happened to him he would soon go crazy like Russia.

He was engrossed in the story, but every now and then he would have to pause while he yawned or rubbed his eyes, he had been so tired lately. It was probably because while Russia was away, they did not have to stick to their usual schedule. They usually stayed up later and woke up later, and he usually felt more relaxed on less on edge, so he felt sleepy at unusual times. About half an hour later, his eyelids began to drop, and he was soon asleep.

Several hours later, he was shaken awake by Eduard, "Time for dinner," his brother said with a small smile, "You looked so comfortable we left you to it."

The Latvian felt himself blush, "Sorry," he said, embarrassed.

"It's okay, we didn't have that much to do anyway, but let's go before the food gets cold!"

When Russia was away they always ate in the kitchen, it was much smaller and warmer, and generally much homelier than the cold dining room they had to eat in normally. Raivis was still yawning when they entered the kitchen, and had to gently slap his cheeks to make himself wake up fully, but soon a slightly rancid smell jolted him out of his fatigue. He could do not place it exactly, but it was like something familiar that had been left out to rot, but Eduard did not seem to notice anything odd, so he said nothing. The Putra was at the table with the other foods, but as he got closer it was obvious that it was exactly this that had had the horrible scent. He sat and tried not to breath through his nose while his elder brothers sat and started to slice the bread they were to share between the three of them, and tried not to focus on his turning stomach.

"Is the icebox broken?" He blurted out without thinking, and they both gave him an odd look, "No, why? Is something wrong?" Toris asked.

"Ah...i-it, never mind," he trailed off, blushing. He looked down at the soup and started to stir it reluctantly, wondering what had made it smell so bad. If the icebox was fine like his brother said there should not be a problem. Also, it had been his turn today to chisel out the ice to put into the tray at the bottom of the box, and he knew that no one could cook creamy soup without being able to tell if something had gone off. It looked fine, but he couldn't eat this.

"I'm sorry," He said suddenly and stood up, "I think I need to go to bed,"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just really tired," He quickly headed to the door, he needed to get away from the smell before he was sick, "I'll make sure I'll eat later when I get up!"

Late into the night, Raivis silently crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. When he had sat on his bed earlier he almost immediately fell asleep again, and was only woken by his empty stomach. He opened the icebox, and almost immediately was confronted by the Putra that one of his brothers had helpfully put out away for him, but right now it only seemed to be there to spite him. He took it out, very careful not to spill any, and quickly but cautiously walked to the sink and poured it all down the drain while holding his breath. Then, he quickly turned on the cold water to rinse away any reside left in the sink and container, then washed his hands just in case some had touched his skin.

He had stupidly left the icebox open, and went back to close it, when something caught his eye, tucked in a corner was a small stack of canned boneless salted herring. Russia loved herring cold, so there was always at least one can there at one time. Latvia loved seafood too, the coastal part of him could never have enough, but Russian herring never tasted right with him, probably because unless it was from the nearby river almost none of it was fresh. Right now though Raivis was starving and herring sounded amazing. He took out one of the smaller cans, the butter dish and balanced what was left of the small loaf of bread on top. He kicked the door closed behind him (Toris would have a fit if he had seen him do that), and vaguely heard the latch fall back into place as he went to the kitchen table to lay down the items. After getting a can opener, a plate, bread knife and two eating knives, he was soon sat down, spreading cold slimy herring pieces on buttered bread, and taking a large bite.

He was wrong before, it tasted like Ambrosia.

Before he knew it, he was using the last piece of bread to mop up the last morsels of the meat and its juices out of the can, and savouring every deliciously indescribable bite, moaning faintly at the taste. When the very last was gone he licked his fingers slowly, before rolling his head back in contentment, he could happily fall asleep here!

But Ravis knew he had to clean up after himself, and after a few minutes he reluctantly got up. After he cleaned up, he turned off the lights and slowly made his way upstairs again. He thought it was a shame that the Putra had gone rancid without either of his brothers noticing, but then he began to wonder why all of a sudden he wanted canned fish, and even managed to finish the whole thing when normally the stuff disgusted him.

'_Well, it doesn't matter,'_ he decided, as he went to the bathroom to clean his teeth, _'every one gets odd cravings sometimes.'_

Gulags – Penal labour camps. To say they were not a fun place is a massive understatement.

Kolkhoz – Collective and state farms. Again, not fun places.

Putra - Latvian sour cream soup.

Sklandrausis – Carrot and potato pie.

Icebox – Pre-electric cold food storage, used from mid-1800s until the 1930s. Russia's house doesn't have electricity or a central heating system yet in this story.

Quoted from Wikipedia, _"__Iceboxes had hollow walls that were lined with tin or zinc and packed with various insulating materials such as cork, sawdust, straw or seaweed. A large block of ice was held in a tray or compartment near the top of the box. Cold air circulated down and around storage compartments in the lower section. Some finer models had spigots for draining ice water from a catch pan or holding tank. In cheaper models a drip pan was placed under the box and had to be emptied at least daily. The user had to replenish the melted ice, normally by obtaining new ice from an iceman.__"_

Additional A/N: I love your reviews and feedback, every piece of constructive criticism helps me to become a better writer. If you think its good, needs some work, or so bad it needs the cleansing touch of fire, let me know! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

* * *

**NOTICE:**

Hey all, I know you are very eager for an update, so I think it's only fair I post this notice after months of silence.

I'm not sure if I can continue with this story anymore.  
It's not that I've grown bored or have no time with it, but I still feel very uncomfortable with the subject matter. The whole 'total control' aspect hits very close to my own personal experiences, and while I have no problem with reading it, writing it is just too much for me. I know it's still at an early stage but I really like the story I planned out, If I was to change it to something lighter it would be crap, and if I rushed it all the subtle stuff would be gone, and honestly it would feel cheap to me.

But I'm not saying I'm completely giving up. I still have 'Shameless' and 'UNN' in progress, and I have decided that once I have finished those I will take a look at the story again. If I'm still invested in the story I will write it as intended and to my usual standard, if not I'll post a notice saying that I'm releasing the story and someone else could finish it if they wanted to, hell I'd even give them my notes.

Thank you all for your lovely comments, reviews, faves and alerts, I feel like I'm letting you down because I hate unfinished stories, but I honestly can't even look at it right now.


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